I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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