I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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