We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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