So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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