I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
