so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
