4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
