What a fucking waste of an outfit
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
