why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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