Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
