hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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