Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
