White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
