I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Randomize
