His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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