sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
