The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
