made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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