dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
