I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
