I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
