My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
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