Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
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Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
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Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck