If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
