need another drink. this is the easiest way
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Randomize
