Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
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Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
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Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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