where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
