White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
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He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
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Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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