he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
