Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
