Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
