just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I wish there were birth control emojis
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
