The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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