Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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