so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
