Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
