All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
