One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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