that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
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