when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
