Taylor Swift is so right about you.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
