I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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