will power is for people who don't want to get laid
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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