Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
