So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
