you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
