So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
