This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
