I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
