i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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