well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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