I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
