I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
