What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
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