Why does Corona taste like a burp?
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize
