He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
