he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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