last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
