3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
