It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
