I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
