I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
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