Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
