I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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