I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
only if we run a train.
done.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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