Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
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That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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