Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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